


We Are Only What We're Allowed To Be

by theundeadsiren (rhoen)



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: High School, Homophobic Language, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 18:16:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3946801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/theundeadsiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick can't understand what it is about Kieren that aggravates Gary so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Are Only What We're Allowed To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look! Slash!  
> Thank you to ardha-chip and mushroom for giving me some feedback on this <3
> 
> First up, please give it half a chance. It's incredibly slashy, but we know so little about where any of the characters come from and how they grew up, or what made them the characters we saw in the show, so I'm just taking huge liberties with what little we know.
> 
> Secondly, I am and will forever be a RickRen shipper. I was just curious as to how GaRick might work, and for that to happen, RickRen had to take a back seat (I'm shocked myself, I know, I know: the world is ending).
> 
> Lastly, there's an end note, which you can read now if you like. I think it's important.
> 
>  **Don't like it, don't look.**  
>  If you don't like the idea of this pairing and are just here to criticise and leave hateful comments, please close the tab immediately. I'm not here for that. I'm here to put characters in weird situations and see what happens, and I hope you're here to see the results of such experiments. Because, really, this is all for science.

**You may not take this fic and edit or reupload it - in whole or in part - without my express permission. This includes translations.**

If you are reading this anywhere other than my (theundeadsiren) tumblr, AO3 or livejournal, then please [let me know](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/ask/), including a link to where you found it, so I can take steps to have it removed. For a list of people given permission to use parts of my works, please see [here](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/permission).

Thank you for respecting my wishes

* * *

 

"It's not right."

Rick didn’t even glance at his friend, instead stabbing his chip into the ketchup as he waited for Gary to elaborate.

“He gets to strut around being like… like _that_ , and we’re supposed to be okay with it!”

Rick tried to hold back a sigh, already tired of the topic. “Yeah,” he agreed noncommittally, devouring the chip and selecting another.

“It’s not fuckin’ right,” Gary muttered.

Rick thrust the bag of chips in Gary’s direction, wanting to distract him, even for a minute. He didn’t want to dwell on the subject.

“Chip?”

Gary glanced at him sideways. “Yeah , alright,” he relented, taking two. When he’d finished them, he was mercifully silent.

-

“Fuckin’ poof.”

Rick frowned, hiding his reaction by turning away from Gary, hand cupped around the cigarette he was trying to light. From where he and Gary were hiding behind the bike sheds he’d seen Kieren walking towards the school building, no doubt returning from the shops on the high street, and knew who Gary was referring to. For some reason, Kieren always set Gary off, and Rick didn’t get why. The irritation didn’t seem justified.

“I’m fuckin’ sick of it, sick of him walkin’ around like he fuckin’ owns the place, fuckin’ fag. Here, give us it.”

Rick silently handed over the lit cigarette, exhaling and watching as Gary raised it to his lips and took a draw, shifting agitatedly from foot to foot as he glanced in the direction Kieren had gone.

“It’s not fuckin’ right.”

Rick didn’t know what to say. Often he didn’t know what to think about Kieren. So he just held his hand out for the cigarette.

“Ta,” he mumbled when Gary handed it back. “You finish that readin’ for English?”

“Nah, fuckin’ hate Dickens.”

“Me too,” Rick agreed sympathetically, flicking the ash before passing the cigarette over. “Reckon Vicky will fill us in again?”

“Yeah, I reckon.”

Kieren was out of sight. They shared the rest of the smoke in silence, the last few draws rushed as the bell signalling the end of lunch sounded. Rick was glad Gary didn’t mention Kieren again.

-

“He fancies you, you know?”

Rick didn’t look up from his phone.

“Who?” he asked needlessly, focusing on the game he was playing.

“Queeren”

“Don’t call him that, Gaz.”

Gary snorted, clearly annoyed. “You know he fancies you?”

“I know,” Rick sighed, navigating easily away from the tail of the snake. He’d known for a while. Even if Kieren hadn’t plucked up the courage to say anything, Rick’s pretty sure he would have worked it out anyway, given the way Kieren acted around him.

“And it doesn’t fuckin’ bother you?” Gary asked incredulously, obviously bothered by it himself.

Rick shrugged. No, not really.

“It ain’t fuckin’ right.”

There was nothing Rick wanted to add, so he focused on his phone.

“It ain’t fuckin’ right,” Gary repeated, sounding bitter. “You should do somethin’ about it, set him straight.”

“It’s fine, Gaz,” Rick insisted.

“You told him to fuck off?”

Rick huffed, irritated, and looked up from his phone as his concentration slipped and the Nokia vibrated game over. “Yeah, I did, alright?” he snapped. He hadn’t really meant to be short, but he didn’t want to talk about this.

Gary was looking at him, stunned. “Yeah, alright,” he agreed. For a moment they just stared at each other, and then, with a shake of his head, Rick looked back down at his phone and started a new game.

-

“Why do you keep hangin’ out with him?”

There was no need to ask who Gary was talking about. Rick just shrugged as he approached his friend in the corridor, hands deep in his pockets. Kieren was walking away in the opposite direction, towards the art department.

“He’s not a bad guy, Gaz,” Rick dismissed. Gary was looking at him intently, his blue eyes fixed accusingly on Rick.

“You turnin’ into one of them?”

“One of what?” Rick asked, taken aback in confusion. Gary was being far too weird.

“A fuckin’ poof.”

“No,” Rick denied, still puzzled. Why did Gary think that? “All I do is hang out with him,” he explained.

“Like you do with me?”

“Well, yeah?”

Gary snorted, shaking his head as he looked away. “Whatever,” he said dismissively, turning and readjusting the bag over his shoulder as he started walking off. Rick stood there for a moment, still confused, before following and quickly catching up to him in a few steps.

“So you still comin’ round to mine later?”

Gary gave Rick a sideways, assessing glance as they walked. “Yeah,” he finally decided, sounding annoyed at his own response.

“Cool,” Rick nodded. “See you after class then?”

“Yeah,” Gary said shortly. Rick didn’t get any other sign of acknowledgement, so when he reached his classroom he just peeled off quietly, writing Gary’s actions off as him having a bad day and hoping he’d be in a better mood in an hour or two.

-

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Rick greeted as he hopped the lowest point of the crumbling dry stone wall. Gary was sitting the other side of it, leaning forward as he flung stones into the stream a few yards away, seeming in a foul mood.

“Hey,” came the flat response. Gary didn’t look round as Rick sat himself down beside his friend, first checking he wasn’t going to sit in any sheep shit.

“You alright?” Rick asked, watching as Gary picked another stone from the pile he’d obviously gathered for the sole purpose of throwing back into the water.

“Brilliant,” came the dry reply. The stone splashed loudly into the water. “Where were you?”

Rick tried to ignore the accusing tone. “Had to help my mum get the shopping in from the car.”

“Not with your boyfriend?”

“What?” Rick asked stupidly, confused.

Gary flung the next rock with enough force for it to crack into the stones on the far side of the stream, giving a frustrated snarl as he loosed it. A split second later, he was on his feet, walking away from Rick, who hurriedly scrambled to his feet, suddenly annoyed. He couldn’t understand a thing about Gary’s behaviour lately.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he shouted after him, catching up in a few jogging steps and reaching out to grab Gary’s arm and stop him. Gary tore away from his grasp.

“You want to fuckin’ know what my problem is?” Gary rounded on Rick, expression set in an angry snarl. “It’s that fuckin’ faggot you call your friend and are so desperate to spend so much of your bloody time with. I’m fuckin’ sick of it. I’m sick of him. You want to be like him? Fine. Fuck off and do it away from me.”

“Wha- ? I don’t…” Rick grabbed after Gary again, stopping him from walking any further away. The way Gary saw Kieren hurt. He couldn’t let this go. “Why do you hate him so much?”

“It ain’t fuckin’ right!” Gary all but shouted. “He gets to walk around flaunting what he is, and the rest of us have to deal with it. It’s not fuckin’ fair.”

“He doesn’t – ”

“He does! He fuckin’ gets to be… to be queer and totally fine with it, and the rest of us… the rest of us have to… We have to…”

Something clenched in Gary’s jaw, and Rick realised it was frustration ruling him, not anger.

“I want that too.”

Rick didn’t get a chance to ask what Gary meant by the admission. He hadn’t realised they’d been standing that close, but the distance was gone in an instant as Gary’s lips crashed against his bruisingly. He stood, stunned, unable to react. When his thoughts finally returned a moment later, the pressure was already gone as Gary turned hurriedly away.

“Gaz,” Rick called, catching a handful of Gary’s top as he tried to stop him, his mind not fully caught up with what had just happened. Gary twisted away, but left his arm exposed, allowing Rick to latch onto his wrist tightly. “Gaz!”

He felt the forceful tug as Gary tried to yank free, but Rick didn’t let go. A fraction of a second later, Gary turned. Rick didn’t have time to realise what was happening before the blow landed on his cheek, stunning him. He staggered back, letting go as he fought to regain his balance. Gary had never…

The two friends stood facing each other, breathing harshly as they sized each other up. Rick was beyond stunned, his hand raised to the painful spot where Gary’s knuckles had connected with bone, trying to breathe through the need to vocalise just how fucking much it hurt and work out what was going on. He’d never seen Gary look at him like that. He looked frightened, not angry; eyes wide and body poised to lash out again. Rick wasn’t going to move towards him. In those few seconds, Rick saw Gary in a new light. He knew that fear.

“I won’t tell anyone,” he promised.

Odd moments that had passed between them were suddenly falling into place, the reality of what had just happened filtering through and giving them clarity. Gary might truly hate Kieren, but it wasn’t for who he was, it was for who he was allowed to be. Rick and Gary could never have that.

Rick turned to look at the way he’d come – the only direction anyone was likely to approach in.

“You can do it again, if you like.” he said as he lowered his hand and looked back to his friend, knowing he understood what he was talking about. There was a long pause before Gary’s demeanour shifted. The tension was still there, but as he carefully regarded Rick, he straightened a little and took a tentative step forward. The fear was in part giving way to disbelief and uncertainty, which Rick found himself echoing as Gary moved closer. Was this actually happening? Were they really going to…?

His heart hammered in his chest, and as he saw Gary’s gaze flicker to his lips he subtly tilted his chin in invitation, tension making the tiniest movement feel jerky. A moment later, dry lips brushed against his sensitive ones, the pressure barely a ghost of sensation and causing fear and excitement to explode within him. He didn’t move at first. It was up to Gary to do that. Rick was frightened that one wrong move would end this and shatter the fragile moment between them – a moment he found himself wanting to cling to. When Gary finally pressed harder into the kiss, Rick returned it in equal measure, almost shivering with relief and fear of what they were doing, and of how good it felt. His hand found Gary’s arm, fingers wrapping firmly around the soft flesh and holding tightly, not wanting Gary to pull away. He didn’t.

When the kiss broke, there was nothing to say. They were both trying to catch their breath, and Rick just had to glance at Gary’s steel blue eyes to see a mirror of his own cacophony of emotions, and realise the unspoken understanding between them. There was so much he couldn’t work out, so he focused on what he knew: how good it had felt to kiss another guy, and how much he wanted to do it again; how terrified he was of his parents finding out; how scared Gary was of the same thing. Above all that, though, there was one thing was more important than anything else.

No one could ever know.

 

**Author's Note:**

> In Gary, I see someone not dissimilar to Rick. Both were both brought up by/around people who enforced their own world views on young, impressionable boys, and they were given zero chance to grow and be themselves. Exploring their own interests and identities wasn't something they were allowed to do. I can see them coming together in circumstances like that.
> 
> I don't know that it would last, or how healthy a relationship where you were the very thing you'd been brought up to hate would work. Perhaps they'd be incredibly antagonistic and it would be abusive and unhealthy because neither of them can truly accept who/what they are. Or maybe they could work with it and come to terms with themselves and what they want, finding understanding in each other that means they're no longer so completely alone. Who knows.
> 
> I am not at all sorry for writing this. Fanfiction is here for us to explore characters and possibilities, and that is exactly what I have done.
> 
> And just to repeat: if you're here just to criticise and leave negative comments, please don't bother.


End file.
